Silmarillion Onion Headlines: Part One, Finwëans

Finwe: Family Infighting Apparent In Funeral Guest Book
Miriel: Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious
Indis: Man Likes Woman So Much He Marries Her
Feanor: Mother Trying Her Best To Project Same Amount Of Insecurities Onto All Her Daughters
Fingolfin: Lofty Ambitions To Shovel Entire Width Of Driveway Scaled Back To Only Shoveling Thin Path For Car
Finarfin: Study: Majority Of Humans Happiest When Rest Of Family Still Asleep
Maedhros: True Courage Is Knowing You’re Wrong But Refusing To Admit It
Maglor: Local Man Might As Well Just Give Up
Celegorm: Man’s Relationship Advice Same As His Hunting Tips
Caranthir: Cousins Meaner This Year
Curufin: Trophy Son Half Father’s Age
Ambarussa: Coast Guard Sinks Vacant Ship
Fingon: Vanquished Foe’s Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet
Turgon: Congress Members Spend Afternoon Drawing Pictures Of Their Dream Capitals
Elenwe: Emergency Crews Attempt To Rescue Olympic Figure Skater Who Fell Through Ice
Aredhel: Woman Had No Idea Participating In 5K Walk Could Be So Unrewarding
Argon: BREAKING: Friend Who Just Got Motorcycle Already Dead
Finrod: Report: None Of Good Cousins Coming To Thanksgiving This Year
Angrod: Report: That Was Very Stupid Thing To Say
Aegnor: How One Hot New Device Helps Couples Drag Out Their Doomed Relationship That Extra Month Or Two
Galadriel: Sole Surviving Bridge Club Member Didn’t Want To Win Like This
Celebrimbor: Captor, Captive Have Different Senses Of Humor
Idril: Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent
Maeglin: Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea
Orodreth: It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job
Finduilas: Geopolitical Balance Of Power Somehow Unaffected By Death Of Princess