Long-term abuse can leave you with a deep-seated need to be hurt.
This isn’t exactly news; basically any expert will tell you the same. But I don’t think a lot of people who haven’t been through it really understand what it’s like. You’re used to being hurt on a regular basis, and any interruption to this pattern? Is dangerous. It’s a sign that things are about to take a turn for the worse – that they’re bottling shit up to explode eventually, or they’re playing some new game you don’t know how to navigate, or they’re withholding the little bit of affection that made the bad times survivable.
So when we finally escape, for a lot of us, there’s this creeping, ever-growing anxiety as we go longer and longer without getting hurt. Eventually, it’s screaming, drowning out any voice in our heads that says “No, this is okay, it’s safe.” A lot of us wind up pulling risky shit, deliberately getting into danger, to find some relief, any relief for that feeling.
But no matter what, it’s not gonna go away easily. Even if we find ourselves with healthy, caring, respectful, sensitive partners, there’s that anxiety-voice in the back of our brains going “If they’re not hurting you now, what are they planning? Do they even love you at all? Are they just using you?”
It needs managed and dealt with somehow.
Long-term abuse can leave you with a deep-seated need for control.
This isn’t exactly news; basically any expert will tell you the same. But I don’t think a lot of people who haven’t been through it really understand what it’s like. You’re used to control being taken away so you can be used and hurt without consequence, so anything that takes control? Is a threat. It’s a sign that pain is coming – maybe the person taking it was just being friendly until you got close enough to stab, or they were really just cozying up because you were useful, or they want an obedient little puppet instead of you.
So when we finally escape, for a lot of us, there’s this screaming terror response to anything that threatens to take control away from us. It can paralyze us, leave us unable to leave the house because this, this is an environment we can control, this is what safety feels like. A lot of us can slip into abusive patterns ourselves, as our overwhelming need for control makes us take it away from others.
But no matter what, it’s not gonna go away easily. Even if we find ourselves with healthy, caring, respectful, sensitive partners, there’s that anxiety-voice in the back of our brains going “They just made a decision involving both of you. This is how it starts. How long until you’re back in the cage?”
It needs managed and dealt with somehow.
Fortunately, there’s a convenient answer a lot of us can turn to – a way we can be hurt when we need to be hurt, have control when we need control, all under conditions we personally negotiated and accepted. The rules and boundaries are clear, and if it ever gets too much, hits too close to home, we can stop it immediately.
Is it really any surprise that kink is fucking full of abuse survivors?
And do you understand now why we’re so fucking pissed when you compare it to abuse?
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