It’s ridiculous for me now to look back at the time when I couldn’t say no to people. I couldn’t say no to friends or even acquaintances I didn’t particularly like when they ask me favors because I would feel so bad about it. I couldn’t be the first person to hang up the phone, but would let the other person ramble on, even if I was bored out of my mind. I couldn’t tell friends to leave my apartment out of politeness, even though I had 10 important tasks I had to finish. I wanted to be polite, to be nice, to not cause any conflict – but that only worked on the surface. Inside, I was building up resentment. Why didn’t these people recognize my needs and realize that I couldn’t accommodate them all the time? Why couldn’t they just not ask me?
Guess what? People will always ask favors (you will too at some point). It’s your job to learn how to say no with no strings attached; meaning, you’re clear and firm with your needs, you don’t feel guilty saying no, and you save yourself from the headache of ending up with things you don’t want to do.
Here are my tips on saying no:
1. Determine your bottom line. Figure out what your needs are and what you’re comfortable with. Do you have other obligations? Is it outside your expertise? How much are you willing to help? Maybe you don’t mind spell checking a friend’s essay, but you wouldn’t want to rewrite it for them. Maybe you don’t want to help at all, simply because you don’t feel like it, and that’s fine. We all have the rights to our time, and we are free to choose to have a lazy day rather than to help an acquaintance move. If you don’t have this figured out, you’ll be easily swayed (by pleading and emotional manipulation).
2. Be firm when asserting your needs. Tell them your reasons straightforwardly and politely. Be concise and clear. You don’t need to elaborate. You don’t own them an explanation. This is your choice.
“I can’t do that favor for you because I have to finish this project and it’s my priority.”
“I’m really not interested in doing that. I’m going to have to decline.”
“I’m glad that you think of me when you need help, but this is a very easy task and I’m sure you can do it without my help.”
“I won’t be going to that party. I really need a night in.”
3. Don’t make up excuses. Excuses are for the weak. And come on, don’t you think people already associate “I’m sick” or “my family member is sick” with lame excuses by now? Don’t say “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” if you already know you don’t want to do it. Delaying your answer doesn’t help and only makes you a flaky person.
4. Recognize emotional manipulation. Some people will try to guilt trip you (whether they’re conscious of it or not). They will call you selfish, that you don’t care about them, that you can’t do something so small for them. Do not fall for these immature attempts. These people only care about themselves and getting what they want the easy way. People who truly care about you would value your time and respect your decision. If you’re faced with an emotional manipulation, repeat #2 and cut the conversation short.
5. Suggest alternatives. If you don’t have time to fix you friend’s computer, send them a website with a solution, or suggest someone else who would be better suited for the job, or tell them you can help after you finish what you need to do.
That’s it, guys!
Note: I’m talking about when people ask you to go out of your way to do things for them. It’s a different story if it’s an obligation or a promise you already made.
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