Putting my excitement about the first trailer into a picture had to wait a while. Even now, have just a 2 h doodle for “Civil War” – or does someone have a better title?
“… In his backpack there are a dozen notebooks that compose the scattered memories dating back to as far as he can remember which somewhat piece together a scattered life.” – Sebastian Stan
I stared at @zhaana‘s CA:CW art for like five hours and then I wrote a thing. We all have to get our Civil War “what if” drabbles out before May, right?
*
The first time Bucky sets eyes on Steve after DC—after he
remembers, really remembers—he thinks
he’s been shot.
To his credit, there’s been gunfire popping off in the distance
for the past hour or so, the ricocheting of bullets and staccato machine gun rat-a-tat inching closer and closer, trailing inevitable echoes: panicked shouts, blaring car horns, crying children, heavy, ominous silences. The sounds of battle never frightened the Winter
Soldier, but they set Bucky on edge—these days, he has something to stay alive
for. Something to lose.
That something kicks down the door and startles Bucky out of
his defensive crouch in the corner. He springs to his feet, knife in hand,
teeth bared, and Steve Rogers blinks at him from the hallway, covered in dust
and blood, hair sweaty and standing every-which-way, and Bucky looks from Steve’s
face to the door Steve busted off its hinges to the trusty shield strapped to Steve’s
back and clutches at his chest.
You can see he looks apprehensive, stressed right here. And it’s because he hears a siren, presumably police. He’s on high alert because he’s just waiting for the day that those sirens come for him.
And here he is after the (police) car with the siren passes by him. He’s relieved, a little shaken. He swallows, breathes, and gathers himself a little.
ANNNDDD then he spots the guy across the street who’s staring at him, and you can see his stomach drop and he visibly tenses again. It’s a nightmare come to life. And I’m saying “a nightmare” because sadly, this probably isn’t his worst nightmare.
And his breathing picks up, and he looks so afraid, his tiny bit of peace, whatever peace he can get, is shattered. He always knew this day would come, but he had hoped he’d have more time. And it breaks my fucking heart.
And I have to say biiiiiggg KUDOS to Sebastian Stan for acting out all the minutiae of Bucky’s facial expressions and body language. Because HOLY SHIT there was a lot of stuff going on in Bucky’s internal monologue.
“Dropping the shield is a rejection of the Captain America identity and a choice to embrace the Steve Rogers identity,” Anthony Russo says.
please don’t forget that steve didn’t just drop the shield in cacw to show he’s choosing to protect bucky—he also dropped it to show he’s choosing himself. bucky, and his friendship, and the connection to the past that he represents, is of course an inextricable part of that self. but bucky isn’t the only part.
captain america, the mantle that steve’s worn for so long, is arguably most visible through this shield. it was created for captain america. it is his best and most enduring and most recognizable weapon. the shield represents all the honor of the role, and all the responsibility of the role, and all the heaviness of the role. it’s a literal weight to carry. one that people who matter to steve (natasha, bucky, others) have picked up time to time in battle, a metaphorical sharing of the burden.
make no mistake—steve can carry the weight of the shield. he wears it well. he is captain america, insomuch that captain america is the persona the world needed to give him so he was allowed to use his powers to actually do something. but as soon as this mantle, this title, this legacy, this shield, becomes representative of someone else’s ideals rather than his own, steve makes a decision:
drop it.
when he leaves the shield in that bunker in siberia, he’s leaving behind a lot of things: his role on a team that felt more like someone else’s family than his own; the identity created for him by 70 years in the ice and never recrafted to fit who steve was when he got unfrozen; the expectations placed on him by the world at large based on that identity; the need to put faith in and take orders from and represent institutions he’s progressively been losing trust in since the WSC ordered a nuke to hit NYC.
when he leaves the shield in that bunker in siberia, he’s leaving behind captain america as the 21st century has created him.
he’s choosing himself. he’s choosing steve. he’s choosing to be steve. free to put faith in people, individuals. free to stand up for what he believes in. free to be flawed. free to explore who steve even is, in this new world.
like i said—it’s huge that steve gives up the shield with bucky’s arm thrown around his shoulder, but that’s because bucky is a part of steve. and steve is the most important thing being reclaimed, defended, and protected in that final scene.
Tumblr Exodus 